Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
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Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
these two trucks have the same bed length
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
The three genders
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.