If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
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Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW