Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
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My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston