[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
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I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia