Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
You Might Also Like
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.