Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
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me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
cat vs inanimate object
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”