You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
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[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Probably my best painting.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I like long walks away from everyone