Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
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Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
#Caturday
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.