Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
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Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?