[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
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Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
True
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
mathematically impossible
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
*launders Kohls cash*
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.