[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
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There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I WON A HAM TODAY
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
That’s what I call a flat tire
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything