Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
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*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING