I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
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[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.