A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
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“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Who chose this font
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”