THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
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[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
i really liked this one
“Theirye’re” problem solved
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still