Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
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EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.