KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
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Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.