I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
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“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
From my Mom
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.