The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
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If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.