The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
You Might Also Like
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation