Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
You Might Also Like
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Battery falling down a hole
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird