[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
You Might Also Like
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
The first matador
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.