Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
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I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.