Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
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If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?