[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
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Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
This made me chuckle.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.