cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
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If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I am never leaving this website
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Ah yes. The three genders
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong