My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
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I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Digital security in Ancient Troy
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
*orders delivery*
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?