Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
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Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.