I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
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Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
@funTweeters
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
marvel comics have peaked
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.