While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
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[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
mentally somewhere in italy
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.