WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
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(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂