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I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said