Never go to sleep after making me angry
You Might Also Like
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
i made a craigslist ad !
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.