I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
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*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
What number SPF blocks people?
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I’m not wrong
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.