if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
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Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.