How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
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By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.