Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
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“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.