If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
You Might Also Like
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”