boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
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Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.