There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
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I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
This meal prepping shit is easy
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo