[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
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It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.