I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
You Might Also Like
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
*bites zombie*
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
How it started: How it’s going:
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
how to have an accident 101
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes