What kind of a cult is this?
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It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
We like the way Dwight thinks
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back