DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
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oh you wanna fight?!
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Smells like a challenge to me
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.