You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
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My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
What personal space?
My dog