Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
You Might Also Like
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times