I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
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I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
bro what is going on at twitter
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
#FunnyLife Insects
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Hitlers gonna hitl
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.