Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
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Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
yea so i messed up lol
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.