why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
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I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”