Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
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You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead